My Personal Story
The thing about falling in love for the very first time in your life is that you think it could last forever. I have had flings and relationships before but when I met my husband, my life turned upside down. We could not live apart from each other and in fact after only after three months of dating I decided to move with him. A3fter six months of living together – he proposed to me. Of course, I said yes and we got married pretty much immediately.
People always tell us that we are a beautiful couple and we are a team. I am creative and emotional while he is the systematic and rational. Although we have obvious differences in interest, we complimented each other nicely.
While I was writing as a journalist, he was working as a Physics teacher at a High School. Then one day, I suddenly woke up and realized that I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what happened. Where did all the passion go? Evaporated!
I started caring less for him and got myself more absorbed in work until I learned that he was cheating on me because he felt the distance I initiated. I knew by then that the marriage is dissolving.
It was a difficult year for us. We both wanted the divorce but we already had two children. I grew up without a father and I did not want that to happen to my children. He, on the other hand, grew up with his parents’ happy marriage and he could not imagine being divorced.
Despite all the coldness between us and the petty fights, we decided to try make things work out. Thankfully, my friend suggested to me Save The Marriage System (SMS). She said that this works better more than the traditional marriage therapy. Luckily it actually worked for our family. It has been three years since that difficult years of opting a divorce and now I think I am in love with him every day more than ever. Now lets review the Save the Marriage System and how it helped us save our marriage.
Save the Marriage System – ‘WE’ and ‘US’
The best thing I learned from the Save the Marriage System is the value of communication.
The author of the Save Marriage System, Dr. Lee Baucom said in the book that in traditional marriage therapy, they blame miscommunication as the culprit to why couples separate. In his 20 years of experien
ce as therapist, he realized that this may not be the main problem to solve.
According to Dr. Baucom, when we think that communication is the problem, we try to do better in communicating but we are still thinking only of our individual self. The key to successful marriage, he said, is to put primarily the ‘WE’ in the relationship. It is not only an ‘I’ nor a ‘You’ thing. It is ‘US’.
The relationship is the one that should be fixed, not the wife on his own or the husband on his own.
I used to blame my husband for being so insensitive and he always accused me of being so careless. When we started undergoing through the SMS, I realized that my husband is not at all insensitive. I just wanted more attention from him because I was deprived of a manly image while growing up. On his part, he understood that my carelessness is a part and parcel of me he has to accept.
The North Star
My husband and I also learned from the book to find the North Star of our relationship – on what is it that we really wanted out from our partnership. Obviously we want our children to have an intact family. That is something we share in common and of course we’ve always had great intimate moments and that’s some thing we always look forward to.
I like the book best because it’s not only theoretical but all the advice and suggested activities are practical.
I like the book best because it’s not only theoretical but all the advices and suggested activities are practical.
The best thing I realized after reading the book and after following the suggestion is that – marriage is a cycle. There are down times and there are up times. Our marriage started with a lot of passion and love. We started from above and the feelings dwindled down. When our feelings towards each other were getting weaker, we thought that it was the end of marriage. But we did not consider that it is a struggle we had to overcome.
I know that the previous plan of divorce is not the only struggle we will go through. There would be more and I’m bracing myself for that – that whatever happens I will try to mend the relationship. I hope it would be much easier by then because I learned so much from Save The Marriage System.